Overcoming Self-sabotage Patterns

One of the most common themes my patients discuss in their psychotherapy sessions is self-sabotage. For psychologists, this presents a complex challenge, particularly when the mechanism operates unconsciously. Without intending to exhaust the subject, I’d like to share a few observations I frequently come across.

Why do you sabotage yourself? More often than not, self-sabotage stems from a silent decision: the decision never to be vulnerable again. This choice was likely made a long time ago, without you even realising it, as a reaction to something deeply painful. So painful that you unconsciously set a rule for yourself: “I never want to feel that again.”

From that moment on, you may have vowed never to ask for what you need, never to open your heart, never to trust, never to be fully present, never to reveal who you truly are. (“People don’t deserve me.”) It was the way you found to protect yourself and regain a sense of control at a time when you felt powerless.

The problem with this defence is that it keeps you in a state of constant vigilance. So, when the opportunity for love, growth, or expansion arises, this part of you awakens, interpreting it as a threat. That’s when procrastination, addiction, isolation, avoidance, and perfectionism appear. But at its core, it’s all just fear – fear of being hurt again.

Understanding this means recognising that while your past self may not have been able to handle that pain, you are no longer that person. And if you truly wish to live, love, and be free, you must face the world head-on.

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